"Let me die first or I will die twice."
That's basically how I feel about my husband, should he die before me.
Although he says I am not allowed to die first, that he must because he doesn't want to live without me.
I have found the one whom my soul loves...without a doubt, for better or wor...well, there is no worse. Ever. We don't fight. We are in tune about 98% of the time. The other 2% we may not be in tune we are deeply respectful and give the other space and support (which we do all the time anyway, but for that 2% we are more so).
My husband's first marriage was not a happy one. However his divorce was not terrible.
My first marriage was hell. My divorce was akin to crossing the river styx in a dissolving boat with Captain Hook at the helm.
A friend of mine (she), my current husband (he), and myself (me) are all divorced. We joke about our ex's, as all divorcee's are wont to do....
She got stupid.
He got crazy.
I got evil.
Stupid...stupid is just hard to manage, not impossible. You're not sure if they're zigging or zagging. But overall, they have no real direction or plan to hurt you. It just happens occasionally.
Crazy...crazy is the easiest, if not the most frustrating. No matter what, you are guaranteed for them to do exactly what you don't want them to do if it will benefit you in any way...because if it benefits you, it's obviously not benefiting them (this applies even if it is mutually beneficial).
Evil...evil is the worst. Evil can pretend to be nice. Evil can stab you in the back while staring you in the face, and usually take glee in doing so. Evil doesn't care who they hurt, so long as it benefits them AND hurts you. Evil uses kids against the parent. Evil lies to your face, to the lawyer, and will pass the lie detector test doing so because evil *believes* they are telling the truth.
So when I say I love my husband...I *love* my husband. He is the opposite of my first husband. He is thoughtful, caring, polite, intelligent, smart, hard-working, loves the outdoors, and loves me deeply.
After living through the hell that was my first marriage, the reward is my current husband.
I cannot fathom should he die before me. I know he feels the same of me.
That's why he says he gets to die first. And why I must go first.
But if he should die first, I will die twice.
