Little White Regrets

I am not usually a 'I regret that' kinda girl. I like to live my life making the decisions I know I will not regret later. And yes, that even includes marrying the alcoholic, druggie ex-husband. I mean, he gave me three beautiful children, even if they do not know my worth.

I know my worth and that's what matters.

But this morning I saw a story on the morning show about a man who secretly planned his girlfriend's perfect wedding. He'd been asking her questions about it for a year. A YEAR! Getting her opinion on everything she ever wanted in a wedding.

And then on the day she thought they were doing a surprise BBQ, she was the one surprised when he asked her to marry him RIGHT THEN.

Of course she accepted, even if she was shocked and happy and ....shocked.

The groom even had his friends move the woman's entire bedroom furniture (except the bed) to the wedding site so she could have everything she might need to get ready.

The groom even had her wedding dress bought and secretly delivered for her.

It was an awesome story, even if the guy screwed himself because seriously, how's he going to top THAT?

Well, it got me to thinking about my own life. And the one thing I truly hate is that I never had a wedding. I got married at 11am by the mayor of a little town in NJ and by 1pm I was back at work. The witnesses were two people I had met only once that were friends of my uncle, and the only people I knew in town.

Now I think about my lack of a wedding, lack of a honeymoon, and I think back, that's one thing I truly wish I could have had.

Even now, I know I love my BF beyond anything I could ever imagine. But it will never happen with us. I'm not saying I won't marry him. But I am saying that the 'wedding dream' is meant for the young. For a dad that can walk you down the isle....to have a funny 'father/daughter' dance or husband/wife first dance and post it on youtube kinda wedding.

The kind of wedding where you find that perfect wedding dress and it doesn't look like a circus tent because of the 'middle-age spread' or too many doritos.

The kind of wedding that people don't secretly say, 'They've been together so long, why are we buying them shower gifts? Don't they have everything already?' or

'Why is she wearing white? Hasn't she been married before?'

The dream, the perfect wedding dream, is no longer mine.

By the time I am ready to be married again, my father would most likely have passed on. Or at best, be unable to walk (he already has a rough time walking a lot).

I could never fit into a beautiful wedding dress and think I am beautiful too. That's never going to happen.

So in some small way, yeah....my one regret is never having a wedding.

But that in no way detracts from the love I got in exchange once I found the right guy.